When endings are beginnings

Endings are always strange.

Last year around this time, I finished my first novel draft. It took five months to get to that point—many hours of thinking and jotting notes and worldbuilding and backstory and actually writing chapters. As I sat crying at 1 am on a weeknight watching the series finales of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and Ted Lasso, two of my all-time favorite shows, I pondered endings.

Four times, I finished reading the book aloud to my husband, who is my alpha reader. Each time, it was easier to speak the words I had agonized over on my screen. The 149,000 (now down to 126,000) words that had poured out of me with hardly a moment of writer’s block.

In Dec. 2023, I reached a point in editing where I was on the cusp of being done before more feedback. And I was fighting it—the finality.

Now, after several beta readers gave me helpful feedback and hyped me up (thank you) and I spent 3 MORE months revising, I am done-done. At least, for now. This time I didn’t fight it.

Letting go is hard work. I do like change, especially for the better. But writing Book 1 was good. It was comforting. It healed parts of me I didn’t know existed until I started writing. It made me an author. So this feels a bit like closing a huge chapter of my life (no pun intended), even though I’m just getting started.

Because damn it, do I have more to write.

-Besides having my book in hard copy for the first time and being able to turn to any scene I want and squeal, I’m totally chill. Next step is one day having a book with a real cover and legit formatting. So there’s that. I’m doing one final read through soon and then I’m going to start querying agents. I’m totally fine, how are you?

Watching: Hacks, season 3. Oh my god, did I miss Deborah and Ava and their absolutely wild friendship. The fact that MAX releases 2 episodes at a time each week, rather than just 1, has given me way too much hope. And since you’re getting this on Wednesday, May 15, let’s pretend the 3rd season of Bridgerton has come out a day early and that I’m glued to the TV for the foreseeable future. Pen, we’ve been waiting for you to be the belle of the ball!!

Listening: Okay, story time. One of my favorite songs ever EVER is “18th Floor Balcony” by Blue October. I’ve loved it probably since it came out in 2006. I even requested it to be played at our wedding. It’s so romantic and I swear I’ve never tired of it. Funny enough, after I wrote my book, I realized one of my favorite scenes (ice cave is your hint, you’ll see once day) mirrors a lot of the lyrics, and now I get to think of my characters with this song. So I’ve been listening to this a lot, as well as the live version. Here are the lyrics, if you’re curious, though highly recommend the song.

Crafting: I went on a quilt retreat in April and it got me sewing more again! Woohoo!

Reading: I was spoiled with Dragonfall by L.R. Lam, which was a wild fantasy adventure in a queer-norm world. SAY NO MORE. The ending destroyed me. I can’t wait to read the sequel when it comes out next year. Arcady and Everen<3

Instructions for Traveling West by Joy Sullivan, a new poetry collection, was stunning. I get chills just thinking about it. Chills. My favorite poem of hers is “I took my body out to dinner.” I can’t get a good link to her post on Instagram unfortunately, but it’s in the book on page 120. I literally can’t stop thinking about it.

I’m about to get several preordered books in the mail: The Honey Witch by Sydney J. Shields, A Swift and Sudden Exit by Nico Vincenty, and the rest of the author’s revised books in the Bone Season series by Samantha Shannon. So I’ll be busy for a while.

Of course, I’ve been eagerly awaiting these, but I’m also considering taking a slower reading summer so I can work on my own writing. I feel inundated with worlds and characters that other people have written, which is awesome, but…I want to write mine too. We’ll see.

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